I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
People with herpes should wear stickers.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
