Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
