She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
