you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my being single is dangerous.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I need a burrito and a hug.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
