Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
