God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
