New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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