I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
