I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
