Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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