i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
