I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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