Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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