4 words: hood of his car
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
