I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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