I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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