i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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