Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
