my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
