I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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