he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
