Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
