I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
