I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
