My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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