Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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