things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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