If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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