My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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