My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
