I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
