Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
