Kiss
Puke
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
