In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
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