i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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