He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
