Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
