Your tits are I can't wait for
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
