I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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