My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
