Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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