Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
