I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
