I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
