His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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