Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
