Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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