Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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