His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
FUCK WHALES
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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