If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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