peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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