Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Also, beer. Big fan.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
