I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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