Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
